The New York Times Magazine has a fascinating (clichéd I know, but I honestly can't think of another word to describe it) article about kids who grow up with gay or lesbian parents. I spotted it this morning, while we were out as a family, and made a mental note to read it online when I got home.
It was of particular interest to me because it focused on a group rarely studied or written of, becaue there are so few of them at present: adults who were raised by gay or lesbian parents. It was also of interest, in no small part, because I know our son—in about 16 or 18 years—is going to be one of those adults. The article itself focused mostly on the (heterosexual) adult daughter of two lesbians who became parents at a time when almost no gay people were becoming parents.
Just the description of the moms' experience within the gay community underscored for me how much things have changed. Where they grew away from their friend in the gay community as they became parents, we found resources to bring us into contact with other gay parents, and—even before we became parents—with other gay men who were considering parenthood. We went to a discussion group for gay men considering various methods of becoming fathers. We found a local group for gay & lesbian parents and their kids, and started going to their social functions so that we could meet other gay parents, and so that Parker could see other families that look like his. And, for when Parker is older, we took note of COLAGE (Children of Gays and Lesbians Everywhere), just in case it's something he needs or wants to be a part ot. Where the moms in the article felt they're friends in the gay community move away from them, we remained close to the friends we had, and found new friends among other gay dads.
But what was most curious about was the how the two sisters in the story turned out, because I wonder what our own son will grow up to be. Not just in terms of sexual orientation; I muse about what his favorite subjects in school might be, whether he'll play sports or not, what he'll decide he wants to be when he grows up, etc. I guess that something all parents do when the look at their children, and watch them grow and change in those first years. There are definitely moments when you can look at a child at Parker's age and see quick flashes of promise or glimpses of the people they might become.
The hubby and I have mused about where our son will end up on the continuum of sexual orientation. We've been careful, for the most part, not to empahsize anything too stronly. In particular, I have a pet peeve about what I call "gender norming." I don't believe kid should be pushed towards any particular behavior based on gender. A boy shouldn't be pushed to play with trucks when he'd rather play with dolls, and a girl shouldn't be pushed to play with dolls if she'd rather lay with trucks. So, with Parker, we just gave him options and stood back.
Thus far, he's chosen all the "typical" boy options. He gravitates towards cars and trucks, loves a bit of rough and tumble play, enjoys climbing, and likes nothing better than to get somewhere with enough space for him to run around. In that sense, he's the exact opposite of everything the hubby and I were as boys. We were the boys who preferred dolls to trucks, and didn't care much for rough and tumble play. So, we're inclined to assume that there's a 90% chance our son will be heterosexual, but we also remember that he could turn out to be gay, and different in temperament than we were. So we muse about what kind of girls he'll bring home when he's older...or boys.
I can't help but wonder what if his experience will be anything like the young woman featured in the article.
Ry said she thinks a lot about passing. Sometimes she has the odd sense that she's passing for straight, even though she is straight. She can spot two lesbians walking down the street from several blocks away, so why can't they spot her as the daughter of two women just like them? Doesn't her family history transmit? Sometimes when she's with her boyfriend, she told me the first night we met, ''I feel guilty about how much privilege I feel as a straight couple, but I also love the privilege. It's like the kinetic energy from everyone around, just walking down the street -- you're young, you're beautiful, you are what we want you to be, go off and be happy, we want you to make it. It's like this fairy tale, when you contrast it to the homophobia -- my parents just hold hands, and they get funny looks. At the same time, it's like this nightmare to be totally absorbed into this stupid straight world.'' She made a face, half-sticking her tongue out. ''So at the same time, it's sad for me. I feel like I'm losing something else.''
At the same time I wonder what Parker will get from the experience of growing up with two gay dads, and I'm a relieved, and a little proud when I read statements like this own from a former director of COLAGE.
Lynch emphasized the liberating novelty of his upbringing, its power to pave new routes to a kid's sense of self. ''I'm a nurse,'' he wrote. ''I played competitive tennis and rode my bike across the U.S. Last week I canned five gallons of tomato sauce while crying to stories about the occupation of Iraq on the radio, then flirted with a cute woman at the corner diner.'' He continued: ''Boys raised in gay families can and do reform masculinity so that instead of being simply not feminine, it's positive. There's room for emotions. There's room for affection (even attraction!) for other men. And there's room for women as people, lovers, not a Mysterious Other.'' His e-mail message started out with a pronouncement that he sees as progress, and that conservatives may see as an indictment: ''One of the most powerful parts of growing up in a gay family is the opportunity, which not every child or parent takes, to transcend gender.''
I'm still sorting out what I think of all I read in the article. But I'm reminded of an experience the hubby and I had before we became parents. We attended a discussion group for lesbian parents, where gay men were also welcome, and they were doing a series of meetings where children of gay and lesbian parents came to talk about their growing experiences growing up. That particular afternoon, the speaker was a young woman who was probably either just finishing high school or just starting college. I was truck by how confident and self-posessed she was. She spoke quite articulately about her experience growing up with a lesbian mom, all the while being engaging, funny, and insightful. I remember leaning over to teh hubby and saying that if our kids turned out to be as together as this young woman seemed to be, we'll have done just fine. I still think we'll do just fine.
I don't know just how to wrap up this post. The article has got so many things swirling around in my head that I will probably need a few more days to sort them all out before I can write them down with more clarity. In the meantime, check out the New York Times Magazine story. It's well worth reading.
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